When I'm Gone
by Luthien Potter
Summary: OotP SPOILERS! 1-shot songfic to 3 Doors Down's 'When I'm Gone'. Harry's POV,his thoughts after OotP. I'm very proud of this,1st songfic,please let me know how I did. Almost non-existant language.


Hello, all! I was coming home from work the other day, and this song came up on the CD I was listening to. I've heard it before, of course, but this time it just struck a cord in me-/HARRY/. So here is my first every songfic. Harry POV, his thoughts after Order of the Phoenix. Ya'll let me know what you think, I really would like to know. Feedback always helps!  
  
Oh, yeah, and the characters aren't mine, They belong to JKR. The song isn't mine, either, it belongs to Three Doors Down.  
  
~Desertrain  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*  
  
There's another world inside of me that you may never see  
  
There's secrets in this life that I can't hide  
  
Well somewhere in this darkness there's a light that I can't find  
  
Well maybe it's too far away  
  
Or maybe I'm just blind  
  
Maybe I'm just blind  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
My friends try. They really do. They want to help me, they want to understand what I'm going through so that they can get me through it, both physically and mentally. But they can't understand, no matter how hard they try. They can't see into my head, and remove the pictures that I've seen in my nightmares.  
  
Some of my feelings are out there for all the world to see, such as my grief over losing Sirius. Such as my determination to defeat Voldemort once and for all. But some feelings are secrets that I keep safely hidden, such as this despair I feel whenever I remember that the entire wizarding world is depending on me to save them from evil. Such as this burning hatred that surges through me, keeping me alive. Such as this anger that all family I ever had was taken from me, and I did not a damned thing to stop it.  
  
I know that there should be a solid object for me to hold onto in the sea of emotions I feel. I'm just not sure what that is. I can't find the light inside of myself anymore. I think it died when Sirius did. Or maybe it's there, and I just can't find it. I really don't know anymore.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
So hold me when I'm here  
  
Right me when I'm wrong  
  
Hold me when I'm scared  
  
And love me when I'm gone  
  
Everything I am  
  
And everything in me  
  
Wants to be the one you wanted me to be  
  
I'll never let you down  
  
Even if I could  
  
I'd give up everything  
  
If only for your good  
  
So hold me when I'm here  
  
Right me when I'm wrong  
  
Hold me when I'm scared  
  
You won't always be there  
  
So love me when I'm gone  
  
Love me when I'm gone  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
I just need someone to know how I feel. That's all I'm asking. One person who understands what I'm going through, who I can count on to be there always. Hagrid tries, but he's always out on Order business. He doesn't have much time for me to try and talk to him about anything. Ron and Hermione try, but they are too wrapped up in each other to pay me much notice anymore. Oh, I can always count on Hermione to tell me when I'm wrong about anything, but who is to wrap their arms around me when I'm so frightened by a nightmare that the rest of the night is spent staring at the canopy of my bed and jumping at every small noise that my roommates make in their sleep? Certainly not Ron, who thinks that he can just pat my shoulder, tell me how I'm going to defeat 'You-Know-Who', and that that makes everything alright again.  
  
It doesn't. Because I know that I might not make it through this war alive, and that leads to one of my greatest questions.  
  
Who is going to remember Harry Potter if he dies to save the wizarding world?  
  
Oh, everyone'll remember Harry /Potter/, The Boy Who Lived. And I know that I have to live up to that name. Everything that I am cries to live up to the expectations of a world that I didn't know existed until just over five years ago. Those five years feel like an eternity, now. And I know, somewhere deep in my gut, that I won't let them down. I couldn't even if I wanted to. Oh, I may die, but I'll take Voldemort down with me. I'll take away everything he's worked for, just as he's taken everything away from me. My parents, Sirius, any chance I have at a normal childhood. That used to make me mad. Why should /I/ be the one to give everything up? Is it really for the good of the wizarding world? Why couldn't Voldemort go pick on someone else to be his great arch-nemesis? But it doesn't make me mad anymore, merely tired. And now I will sacrifice everything I have to be able to kill the Dark Lord.  
  
And no one will be there that I can count on to not only thump my back and tell me everything's okay, like Ron. No one will be there to do something other than tell me what I do wrong and how to avoid mistakes, like Hermione. The one person I could count on like that was Sirius. And now he's gone.  
  
Sirius. My Godfather. The one person that I could count on. He never held me when I was frightened, at least not physically. But he was there. I knew that I could tell him most anything. There was a lot that I may have kept from him, but that wasn't because I couldn't. It's because I was trying to protect him. From Voldemort, from the Death Eaters, from the entire wizarding world. But I was protecting him from the wrong people.  
  
The one he needed saving from was me.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
When your education x-ray cannot see under my skin  
  
I won't tell you a damn thing that I could not tell my friends  
  
Roaming through this darkness, I'm alive but I'm alone  
  
And part of me is fighting this  
  
But part of me is gone  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
My nightmares are no longer visions sent by Voldemort. Oh, they're still horrible, but now they just replay the moment that Sirius disappeared behind that veil in the Department of Mysteries. The moment that the hate I felt for Voldemort flared, draining the hate I felt for any other person to feed itself. In a way I'm glad for that all-consuming hatred, it keeps Voldemort out of my mind when I sleep. Now he can't see under my skin, into my inner thoughts. Now he won't learn anything from me, nothing I don't want to tell him. And if he thinks that I want to tell him anything other than 'Bugger yourself to hell', than he's wrong.  
  
But the same hate that keeps me free of Voldemort also keeps me locked inside myself. I don't speak much anymore. Over the summer I didn't speak at all, and it frightened the Dursley's more than anything else that I could have done. But why speak if all that will come out are depressing thoughts and sarcastic comments? I now make excellent marks in school, better even than Hermione, but only because I focus on schoolwork in an attempt to drive all other thoughts from my head. Dumbledore now keeps me up to date on all Order workings, so that I am prepared in case anything happens at Hogwarts. Ron and Hermione are still not informed about everything, and it annoys them. They feel that if they don't know what's coming, they can't help to protect me from it. But I don't need protecting from anything that's roaming in the world at this point. I need protecting from myself first. Because even though the part of me that hates is alive and well, keeping me fighting, I can feel other parts of me dying. The parts that used to laugh at Ron's antics, or smile indulgently at Hermione when she wanted to go to the library. I would give anything to be able to have that part of myself back. But I fear it's gone forever.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
So hold me when I'm here  
  
Right me when I'm wrong  
  
Hold me when I'm scared  
  
And love me when I'm gone  
  
Everything I am  
  
And everything in me  
  
Wants to be the one you wanted me to be  
  
I'll never let you down  
  
Even if I could  
  
I'd give up everything  
  
If only for your good  
  
So hold me when I'm here  
  
Right me when I'm wrong  
  
Hold me when I'm scared  
  
You won't always be there  
  
So love me when I'm gone  
  
Love me when I'm gone  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
It would be so easy if I could just to curl up in someone's arms and cry until all of the pain, all of the despair, all of the /hate/ is gone. If I had needed some time to break down, I could have gone to Sirius. But he's not here anymore.  
  
It always comes back to Sirius, doesn't it?  
  
Yes, I know that my friends care. I know Dumbledore cares. And Hagrid. And Remus. Hell, even Snape cares, in his own way, I think. But none of them will hold me when I need holding. And will any of them truly love me, as just Harry and not Harry /Potter/ or The Boy Who Lived, when I'm gone?  
  
Somehow, I think not.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Maybe I'm just blind  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
I really wish I could find that light inside of me. Just a little to drive back the darkness that haunts my soul.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
So hold me when I'm here  
  
Right me when I'm wrong  
  
Hold me when I'm scared  
  
And love me when I'm gone  
  
Everything I am  
  
And everything in me  
  
Wants to be the one you wanted me to be  
  
I'll never let you down  
  
Even if I could  
  
I'd give up everything  
  
If only for your good  
  
So hold me when I'm here  
  
Right me when I'm wrong  
  
Hold me when I'm scared  
  
You won't always be there  
  
So love me when I'm gone  
  
Love me when I'm gone,  
  
Love me when I'm gone,  
  
When I'm gone  
  
When I'm gone  
  
When I'm gone  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Because this darkness scares me, and I need someone to love me and to hold me and to tell me that they'll never let me down. Because I'm tired of holding others up.  
  
I just want to be sure someone will love me when I'm gone.  
  
~fin~ 


End file.
